How to shut down your Trumpy uncle at Thanksgiving
His bigotry comes from intellectual laziness. Make him work
Debunking his misinformation won’t work
Every year at this time, liberal publications release articles full of facts to debunk your uncle’s Fox News Thanksgiving dinner diatribe. And every year, liberals try them only to find out that not only don’t they change his mind, they don’t even shut him up for a moment. As the rest of the family tries to maintain peace by avoiding politics and changing the subject, he leaps in with both feet, taunting, bomb-throwing and using up every bit of oxygen in the room. It’s not pretty.
The misinformation correcting strategies in those articles seldom work on a guy like him, because they ignore his psychology and practiced defensive strategies. That is why I won’t be offering any. Instead, here’s a bit of psychology and a technique that works better.
…because psychology
Right wing bigots like your uncle live in fear of uncertainty. This fear leads them to seek simple answers and unchanging beliefs that make them feel safe. Information that challenges their beliefs, threatens their feeling of safety, so they reject it out of hand with canned talking points, deflections and thought-terminating cliches. That’s why answering their misinformation with items from those fact-checking lists seldom if ever slows them down.
What else doesn’t work?
Explaining: This usually fails because it puts you on the defense and invites their contempt
Telling them they’re brainwashed by Fox News. Has any brainwashed person ever figured out they’re brainwashed because someone told them?
Empathizing and finding common ground. Some people claim this is very effective, and it may well be— if you have all the time in the world to engage this person. Do you?
Those don’t work. You know what does?
Two words: “Please explain”
Your uncle believes a lot of things that are untrue, rejects a lot of things that have been well-validated, and in general, knows far less than he thinks he does. Yet he wants to feel powerful, secure and always right despite his ignorance. He does these things to reduce the fear that drives him. That’s where you come in. Your job is to turn his ‘safe space’ of dominance, bullying and control into one where he feels embarrassed, dominated and out of control.
Here’s how you do that:
find the weakest and most inexcusable parts of his argument,
Ask an open question that alludes to what’s awful or stupid about it and
Request an in-depth explanation of it
Example: Your uncle taunts the dinner table saying “Biden is senile; he can’t even complete a simple sentence!”
You know Biden is sometimes tongue tied because of a lifelong stutter. Do not say that or you’ll be explaining, which is playing defense. Instead ask,
“I’d be curious to see where the neurology literature says a lifelong stutter is a sign of senility. Could you please explain the science of that for us?”
Of course he can’t. And he knows what the Brits call ‘sweet F-A’ about neurology. So he’ll defensively change the subject into another irrelevant attack. Don’t take the bait. Circle back and repeat.
You were about to tell us about the neurology that connects stutterer’s speech patterns with early senility. Please explain how that works.
and so on. With each reiteration of the uncomfortable request, you have raised the cost of his behavior and made it less desirable. Keep calling his bluff and demanding detailed, public explanations for the stupidest and most repellent things he says. For example, if he If he tells you that Trump really won but the Democrats engaged in widespread fraud, ask:
“You seem to know a lot about elections, so I’d really love you to give us a detailed, play-by-play of how a board of elections counts and certifies a vote, who’s involved at every step and how they validate the final count. I want to hear every detail.”
And keep pressing him for more technical details and asking for sources of information. If he deflects with conspiracy theories about changed votes and rigged voting machines, as he probably will, insist on knowing how it is supposed to work and ask him to explain that.
Do this well, circle back when he deflects and he will soon feel less like the smartest guy in the room he imagines himself to be and more like the student who didn’t do the assignment. You won’t change his mind, such as it is, but you may compel him back into sullen silence, which may be the best you can hope for.
And at any rate, it’s far preferable to enduring a wanabee Sean Hannity holding forth over the stuffing.